Preeyaphat and July,

You have successfully described the important points of Alfredo's life. Your summary is like a book condensed to a short story. I like that you mentioned the words of his cousin. I think- as I told other students- that the conversation with his cousin gave Alfredo motivation to change his life. In a way, his story divides into two parts, before and after talking to his cousin. Your reading skill shows in your ability to see that key point.

Here are some suggestions about your sentences.

-The 3rd and 4th sentences of the first paragraph should be one sentence, with "but" in the middle and a comma (,) before "but." "But" is a "coordinating conjunction" and can't be at the beginning of a sentence, only in the middle.

- The 2nd sentence of the second paragraph doesn't need "was." Just "he picked cotton" is correct.

-The last sentence of the second paragraph should have "and" instead of "or."

-The verbs in the 1st sentence of the last paragraph should be past tense, ending in "ed."

-"Suggested him to study" should be "suggested he study"

-"And" is a "coordinating conjunction" (like "but") and can't begin a sentence. I suggest you omit"and" from the beginning the 2nd sentence of the last paragraph and put "and" between "scholarship" and "he developed."

Alfredo Quinones-Hinojosa was born in Mexico. He came to the USA twenty years ago. He was an illegal immigrant. But now, he is a neurosurgeon and professor at Johns Hopkins University.

His first job in the United States was as a migrant farmworker. He was picked cotton, tomatoes and cantaloupes, and lived in the fields in a broken-down camper he bought for $300. But one day, his cousin told him he would be a farmworker for the rest of his life, or he realized it was time  to move on.

 

He study in English class, and his teacher suggest him to study in the University of California,Berkeley.And he got a scholarship, he developed a passion for the scientific method. Quinones-hinojosa went on to Harvard Medical School. It is also during this time that he received his U.S. citizenship.